Today I watched the film "The Broken Circle Breakdown". And it made me think a lot about love, about life; about what we do and what we deserve.
I won't lie to you: the film is amazing, one of the best I've ever seen, as it's so real; but it broke my heart. And, as the film goes by, I was thinking "God, I don't want to love anyone again". 'Cause, as it is said on the film, "Things can't be good, when everything's alright, something brokes down and it's the end".
After watching the film, I realized about a very important point in my life: for the first time, I'm scared of love. And it's like I don't want to love anymore, 'cause at the end, I will fail that person; or he will fail me. There would be always someone better than me to love, and so they'll let me down and go with that person. There always will be something bad around the corner, waiting for us.
I'm too scared of love. But at the same time, I believe that I deserve it. I deserve someone who would love me and take care of me. I'm a strong and independent woman; I don't look for someone who'll fight my monsters and demons, 'cause that's my fight and I'm not gonna lose it. But as almost everyone else, I need to feel that someone cares for me. That I'm important for someone, more than family, more than friendship.
Now that more than 3 months have passed away since Adolf broke my heart, I can say it really loud. I'm scared. Not of being alone, I'm more than used to it; I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of hurting someone else. And I wish I could live alone into the wild mountains, so I won't hurt anyone and nobody would hurt me again.
Some of my friends say that "what you need is to fuck someone". But I can't agree with them. I'm not a person of one-night-only. I cannot go home (or whatever place) with a complete stranger. And I'm not searching for that kind of people, that kind of relations. I agree that, for some people whose hearts have been broken, this works. But not for me.
So here I stand alone again, on my road, with my little red shoes, walking around wherever it takes me. And I know I'm brave for walking alone, as I always been doing. But at the same time, I feel like I have a rabbit heart that wants to run off whatever it comes. It's good to know that I feel that, admit it.
It's like the darkness that's inside me wants to take my heart with it. And I really should let it do it. Because I can only love the darkness inside me. I can only love the darkness inside you, as you always would let me down.
Next time someone comes into my life, I'll say that. And just a few more words. "Prove it". 'Cause I don't believe in love anymore, I'm too scared for it. And maybe I need someone who can prove to me that it can be true, just for one time.
Prove it.
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